Round 1

23 Jun 2025 - 06 Jul 2025

Season 10 has commenced, with expanded divisions accommodating a record number of teams in the league. As usual, we're here with all the action after each round wraps up, so without further ado here's the Round One Roundup!

Division 1 is home to the top performing teams from previous seasons, and with many of last season's top teams opting to retire in favour of new challenges the lineup has seen a complete shakeup. The opening match was between the undead monstrosities of Romero's Regenerates, past winners of Division 4, and the much shinier high elves of Cordelian Dolphins, promoted after a good showing in Division 3. The undead took the offence in the first half and proceeded to grind the ball down the pitch in classic undead fashion, but the Dolphins kept them penned on one side and slowed their progress until they could pull down the ball carrier and keep them from scoring. Buoyed by their success, the elves opted for a flashy display of passing that gave them the lead midway through the second half, but their attempts to halt the tide of the undead once again proved less fruitful and the Regenerates snatched an equaliser just before the final whistle.

Former Division 3 champions, the Blitzen Bozos, then faced the Division 2 title holders, the Saratcens, with the match starting in the pouring rain. There was violence on both sides but the skaven took the worst of it by far, with an experienced blitzer out for the next game and a gutter runner killed. The weather cleared as the game progressed but it was no help to the Saratcens, who saw the dwarves put two touchdowns past them for a decisive victory.

Last up, returning elven union team the Felwithen Furies, looking to reclaim past glories, took on the vampires of Nevermore Ravens, promoted after a decent showing in Division 2. The vampires came out hard, with one elf's game over almost as soon as the whistle went, but for the intervention of the Furies' apothecary, and the elves' star catcher carried off unconscious shortly after. The Ravens secured the lead with a swift touchdown and settled in to defend, mesmerising those elves protecting their ball carrier and pushing the poor player into the crowd. The fans threw the ball back in nicely for a thrall to claim, but running it in for a second touchdown before the half-time whistle proved too much. The Furies remained down in numbers in the second half and once again lost the ball to the Ravens. It was looking bad for the elves until they suddenly remembered how to summon their eponymous fury and started hitting harder, breaking through the thralls to get the ball back and sprint up the pitch for a last-minute equaliser.

The Bozos take the top spot as the only winners this round, with the Furies in second thanks to those late casualties. Next round sees the Bozos looking to cement their lead as they take on the Ravens, the Regenerates hoping to compound the Saratcens' current woes, and there's hot elf-on-elf action as the Furies face the Dolphins.

Division 2 hosts the rest of the experienced teams, those whose performance wasn't quite enough to see them in the top tier this season. The round kicked off with the Sokol Serpents travelling to see the Talabecland Thunder, though in fact it was hard to see anything as the match took place during a howling blizzard. Fortunately the lizards had remembered to pack their heated underwear, otherwise they might have been too sluggish to play in such freezing conditions. The game started well for the Thunder, with the early removal of two skinks severely limiting the Serpents in their efforts to handle the ball, but despite that it was the lizards who took the lead. They then settled comfortably into a defensive role, with sauruses and the kroxigor smashing players off the pitch and ensuring the Thunder had no chance of reply.

The Gnawthorn Vermin faced the daunting prospect of taking on the Blåhaj Blasts, who despite a poor showing last season had nevertheless managed to retain a number of hardened killers on their roster. The Blasts tore through the skaven armour like it was paper, removing players at every opportunity, and by midway through the second half they were 2-0 up with the Vermin looking distinctly underpowered after losing their rat ogre and one of their blitzers. Despite that and further losses, the remaining rats managed to rally long enough to claim one back in an extremely brave showing under the circumstances.

The last game of the round was due to be between the Tinseltown Terrors and the Forked Tongues, but sadly the Terrors were unable to find time for the game as a series of other commitments came up. The zombies were due to terrorise a shopping mall on one potential date, the mummies were chasing a roguish team of adventurers on another, and it just wasn't possible to make it work. The win was therefore awarded to the Forked Tongues by default.

That means the Blasts take the top spot on the strength of their violence, with the Serpents and the Forked Tongues equal on points. Likewise, the Vermin sit at the bottom with what remains of their team. The next round sees the Blasts hoping to carve through the Terrors, while the Serpents take on the Vermin and it's more lizards for the Thunder as they visit the Forked Tongues.

Division 3 is the first of the divisions with all fresh teams, keen to start making their mark in the league. The opening match was between the orcs of Da Bushwakkaz and the snotlings of Knickerbocker Glory Slobberknockers, in glorious sunshine. The snots came laden with extra players, money for bribes, a dirty ref and the services of Fink da Fixer, suggesting a powerful commitment to ignoring the rules whenever it suited them. They needed all the help they could get, as although they started well by mangling a line orc beneath the wheels of a pump wagon they very quickly started to melt in the heat. The orcs got their eye in and started smashing their tiny opponents and the snots struggled to throw bombs or think in the heat. The game ended 2-0 to Da Bushwakkaz, with a pile of injured snotlings almost large enough to equal their one dead orc.

Next up, the nobility of Green-Orange Golds took on Norsey But Nice. The nobles of course are used to playing in refined spaces where everyone displays excellent manners, and the beer fumes rising from their Norse opponents seem to have caught them off-guard. Three bodyguards were stretchered off the pitch in the first half, and though the Golds took the lead the combination of injuries and unconscious players left them only able to field six at the start of the second half. The Norse scored quickly with no one to stop them, then piled onto the Golds' ogre to leave him with a permanent limp and stole the ball to claim a second touchdown before the whistle.

The third match was between the necromantic horrors of the Midnight Massives and another orc team, the Burning Sensations. The orcs struggled initially, unsettled by the undead monstrosities they faced, and the Massives took the lead with a werewolf sprinting over the line. The coach of the Sensations evidently gave the team the hairdryer treatment as they lined back up ready to fight, running their stumpy little legs off to equalise against the odds and knocking out a few opposition players for good measure.

Last up, the third orc team of the division, Orc City, took on the humans of the Anfield Anarchists in thick snow. The Anarchists started on offence, but City chose to attack, dodging a blitzer through to immediately menace the opposition thrower. The humans survived this initial onslaught, but despite their best efforts they were unable to score before the end of the half and they lost a blitzer to a punch from a big un. Perhaps emboldened by this strong initial showing, a City line orc opted to start the second half by stamping on a downed human, but he forgot to check if the ref was looking and was immediately sent off. The Anarchists then responded by taking out City's thrower and stealing the ball for a swift touchdown. Any hopes City fans might have had for an equaliser were dashed when their ball carrier was sacked and the loose ball ended up in the arms of the Anarchists' ogre.

With that, Da Bushwakkaz take first place on goal difference over Norsey But Nice, and the Slobberknockers are firmly at the bottom. Next round sees the Anarchists facing more orcs in the shape of Da Bushwakkaz, Norsey But Nice hoping to rack up more casualties against the fragile Slobberknockers, the Midnight Massives taking on the remains of the Green-Orange Golds, and the first of the inevitable orc face-offs between Orc City and the Burning Sensations.

More brand-new teams in Division 4, and we start with the black orc Scunbag Gitz taking on the dark elf Naggarond Blitzers on a sweltering hot day. Rumours that the orcs had been practising their anti-elf tactics in advance seem well-founded as they came out hard, killing a witch elf in the opening seconds of the game, but the Blitzers refused to lie down and take it and removed a black orc in exchange shortly after. It was a game that mostly went one way though, with the Gitz proving adept at both violence and scoring, taking a 2-0 victory that shows early promise for this team.

The newly-reformed goblins of Chainsaw Buffet, playing in honour of the late lamented Grak, brought H'thark the Unstoppable to their match against the lizard team Cold Blooded Cannoneers. And unstoppable he proved in the first half, trampling the opposition to score a touchdown and stamping a skink into the pitch. But having spent all their petty cash on H'thark they had nothing left to persuade the ref to let them keep their weaponry on the pitch, making it easier for the Cannoneers to send their chameleon racing down to claim an equaliser before half time. H'thark continued to earn his pay by killing a saurus in the second half, but after the chameleon put the Cannoneers into the lead the centaur got into an argument with the referee and was sent off for the remainder of the match. Still, the goblins proved remarkably resilient and managed to sneak the ball across the line at the last minute for a 2-2 draw.

More dark elf action from the Moriquendi Krakens, who lined up against the renegades of Block, Glock 'n' Roll. The bright sunshine caused problems from the off as the renegade ogre attempted to throw a goblin down the pitch but instead hurled it straight into the crowd, where a group of Krakens fans made sure it wouldn't be returning to the game at any point. Sadly, that was the high point of the game for Block, Glock 'n' Roll as the elves proceeded to dismantle their team, with a little help from an eagle-eyed ref who proved very keen to send off players for trying to even the odds. There was little the remaining players could do to stop the Krakens as they ran in four touchdowns without reply for an extremely solid win.

Last but not least, the vampire team Gornagechu Suckers played the wood elves of Aloha Rippers in a fairly sedate match that saw no injuries outside of those inflicted on their own teammates by hungry vampires. The Rippers took an early lead but the Suckers evened the score before a confusing final whistle. Some fans insist that only one half was actually played, but others say they were in the stadium for hours and it must have been a full match. Perhaps the mesmeric powers of the vampires have something to do with it, but either way the game was recorded as a 1-1 draw.

The Krakens are the current leaders thanks to their overwhelming score, with the Gitz hot on their heels and a very tight mid-table. Next round sees elf vs elf as the Krakens face the Rippers, while the Gitz look to continue their strong start against the Suckers, Block, Glock 'n' Roll take on the Cannoneers and Chainsaw Buffet host the Naggarond Blitzers.

And that's everything from Round One, with some tough matches ahead for a few teams in the next round. Round Two runs until 20th July, and may Nuffle take pity on your efforts!