Round 1

23 Sep 2024 - 06 Oct 2024

A new season, a new format, a bunch of new teams and coaches, but still the same old blather. That's right, it's time for the Round One Roundup! We'll start today at the top and work our way down...

Division 1 has all the experienced teams, so fans were expecting high-octane action right from the first drive but some may have been disappointed. Huanchi's Jungle Rumble, the sole remaining veteran team, squared up to fearsome upstarts the Grave Rubbers on a very sunny day. With both teams carrying over some well-developed players it took a while before the crowds had anything to really cheer for, but eventually their patience was rewarded as the Rubbers took the lead. The Rumble's new Kroxigor retaliated with a hard block that ended in a nasty crunching sound, but of course the walking dead are used to walking off such injuries and refused to be counted out for long. An equaliser kept the Rumble in the game, but the Rubbers fought back to take the match 2-1. A late block sees the Rumble going into their next game down a skink.

Last time the Bright Jugglers faced the Dark Delvers it was end-to-end action, with both teams matched in their willingness to get their hands dirty and keep the ball moving. The Delvers had the edge that time, and they led off this time with the first touchdown, but the Jugglers would not go down easily. They pulled the score back and then took the lead themselves, only to see the elves pull off a last-minute score to grab a point. The Jugglers lost a rookie catcher in the melee, their dreams of playing in the big leagues cut tragically short, and the Delvers fired a lineman after a career-ending injury.

And so to the last game, as the newly spell-checked Badlands Debating Society took on the Sokol Slaughterers in the pouring rain. Violence was to be expected from these two teams, but perhaps not to the extremes that were seen. In the first half the whole focus was on fighting, with deaths on both sides, and by half time nearly half the players were off the pitch in one way or another. There were frantic efforts to revive the unconscious as the skies cleared for the second half, but only seven orcs took to the pitch against the Slaughterers' slightly healthier nine. Despite that, the Society managed to push forward for a touchdown, but despite waving a particularly stinky gobbo under their noses their knocked-out players still refused to come round. The Slaughterers were reminded about the importance of the ball and managed to claim a draw before the whistle.

So the Grave Rubbers hold the top spot with the Rumble at the bottom, but this early in the season it's still anyone's game. Next round, the Rubbers take on the Slaughterers, the Dark Delvers face the Rumble, and the Badlands Debating Society meet the Bright Jugglers.

Division 2 is all fresh teams, but under the experienced eyes of the best-performing coaches from last season. It was a trip to the forest first, with the wood elves of Sanguine Blade playing host to the halflings of Sauerapfel Sausage. Sadly the trees offered little protection from the howling blizzard that threatened to bury the halflings up to their necks. The elves, of course, skipped merrily over the top of the snow without so much as disturbing the crust, and by half time they were 2-0 up with very little in the way of retaliation. The second half saw several elves carried off with injuries that will no doubt continue to bother them every time the temperature drops, but though the Sausage scored late it wasn't late enough to stop the Blade running in a third before the end.

It was Khorne vs Khorne as the Acomb Transfusions took on the Blåhaj Blasts in a match certain to be filled with mayhem. The Blasts were extremely dedicated to slaking the Blood God's neverending thirst, removing one of the Transfusions almost as soon as the whistle blew and racking up further casualties as the game went on. They were perhaps a little too focused on holy violence, however, as the Transfusions managed to run in three touchdowns with no reply, despite their reduced numbers, and offered both their blood and their victory to their hungry god.

Finally, the skaven of Cripple Peak Craprats faced the vampires of Nevermore Ravens. Both teams proved strong on defence, with the Ravens using their mesmerising powers to break open cages while the Craprats' blitzers showed they weren't afraid of a risky block to take down the ball carrier. The extra speed of the rats proved an advantage, allowing them ultimately to take the game 2-0, but the vampire fans have plenty to be pleased with as the team proved slightly better at taking out the opposition than snacking on colleagues. A death for the Craprats means the Ravens go into their next game with an extra, rather furry thrall in their roster.

The Transfusions take the top spot on goal difference, with the Blasts similarly at the bottom. Next round sees the Transfusions looking forward to eating some Sausage, the Ravens face the Blasts with both teams looking for their first points, and it's a speed round as the Craprats take on the Blade.

To Division 3, home mostly to fresh teams whose coaches were less successful last season. The one exception is the Kroppenbruck Crusaders, who arrived with their unseasoned coach to kick off the round against the Hammer Horrors. The human Crusaders learned very quickly not to stand too close to the sidelines, especially with a werewolf on the prowl, but they took the lead thanks to a spectacular pass that was caught in the end zone. Sadly though, the Horrors responded by immediately flattening the thrower, putting him out of action for at least the next game, and equalised before the end of the half. The second half was a more cautious affair, with the Horrors moving slowly and guarding the ball. It seemed as though they might clinch the win, but a last-minute stumble left the ball free for the Crusaders to attempt a miracle. The risky play didn't quite come off, however, and both teams will have to be satisfied with the draw.

Next up, the former star of Chainsaw Buffet, Grak the Renowned, took his talents to a tougher team and formed the Blaa Korks. They faced the Talabecland Thunder, who lost the noble patronage after a poor performance last season and opted to scour the local taverns for players with fewer airs and graces. The orcs, of course, wasted no time putting the boot in, but Grak's leadership on the pitch also kept them focused on the ball. A late consolation touchdown for the Thunder might have eased fans' worries, but it wasn't late enough to stop Grak running in a third for the Korks. The Thunder's woes look to continue with two of their blitzers out of action for the next match.

But for fans of spectacle, the place to be was watching the motley crew of the Nuln Oilers take on the aptly-named snotling team, Minor Threat. The snotlings came armed with a variety of weapons, an unholy number of players and an absolute dedication to the manta of No Second Chances. The Oilers brought skilled players of a sensible size. The result was hardly a surprise to anyone but the stupidest of trolls. An almighty thirteen players on the snotling team left the pitch in one way or another, and though a single snot managed to get hurled down the pitch in possession of the ball to score it was a tiny drop compared to the Oilers sauntering into the end zone on no less than five separate occasions. The only risk for the Oilers now will be expecting every game to be as easy.

The Oilers are on top with the Blaa Korks nipping at their heels, while Minor Threat sit at the bottom where they seem likely to stay. Next round sees the Oilers facing a tougher challenge in the shape of the Crusaders, while the Korks look to power their season with a game against Minor Threat, and the Horrors meet the Thunder.

And lastly, division 4: fresh teams, fresh coaches, and anything could happen. First up, the walking dead of Bushy's Bonerattlers (stretching the definition of 'fresh' to its limits) against the enthusiastic skaven team, Rottenham Hotfur. The rats' enthusiasm far outweighed their skills, with player after player leaving the pitch unconscious and only sometimes at the hands of the opposition. The removal of the rat ogre may have been a blessing in disguise as it stopped him from attacking any more teammates. 2-0 down with the final whistle about to blow, Hotfur fans must have thought it was all over at last, but a poorly executed final block from a blitzer saw him carried away with one arm brought off the pitch separately, ending his career for good.

Greens all around as the black orc Mandalorcians faced the regular orc Full English. The extra beef of the black orcs played in their favour as they managed to remove four of their normally well-armoured opponents, but it was only right at the last minute that any of them remembered a little thing called scoring. Still, a strong early showing that bodes well, as long as they can keep a little more focus on the game.

Finally, more skaven and more orcs as the Boom Town Rats took on the Orksha Rippaz on a swelteringly hot day. The Rippaz took a powerful lead in the first half, scoring twice thanks to goblin shenanigans that included flying players, stolen balls and running their little legs off. Emboldened by this, they settled in for violence in the second half with their star goblin even racking up a casualty. Skaven can almost never be counted out, however, and despite the odds they managed to run in two touchdowns to claim a draw while also getting vengeance on an orc blitzer in particularly nasty fashion.

That puts the Bonerattlers top of the table, just above the Mandalorcians, while what remains of Rottenham Hotfur is at the bottom. Next up, the Bonerattlers face more skaven in the shape of the Boom Town Rats, while the Mandalorcians are up against the Rippaz for another greenskin rumble, and the Full English get a change of pace against Hotfur.

And that's your lot for Round One. Round Two runs until 20th October, so best of luck and have fun!