Round 1

31 Mar 2025 - 13 Apr 2025

The first games of Season Nine have all been played, so it's time for a roundup of all the action in Round One!

Division 1 kicked off with a match between the Talabecland Thunder and the Grave Rubbers. The Thunder were out of action all last season after their coach was incapacitated, but having every game resolved as a draw gave them enough points to gain promotion to the top division. Nevertheless, fans were concerned that being out of practice would lead the team to struggle against the more advanced opposition. The first half was a tough fight, with the Rubbers having the edge on the violence. They managed to steal the ball from the Thunder and came within an inch of scoring just before the whistle, only to fall at the last moment. A mighty pep talk at half time brought the Thunder back out strong and they took the initiative with a touchdown followed by a solid defence that kept the Rubbers from replying. A nasty wallop from a flesh golem sees the Thunder's ogre out for the next match, but they'll surely be happy with the overall result.

Last season's champions the Badlands Debating Society took on divisional newcomers the Blåhaj Blasts in an expectedly bloody match. The first half was a mess of violence and scrambling for the ball, which changed hands multiple times before the Blasts finally managed to get it over the line. A riot delayed the start of the second half, but the orcs came out swinging and claimed a couple more heads before scoring an equaliser.

Finally, Bushy's Bonerattlers took on the wood elves of Sanguine Blade, with both teams still carrying an unbeaten record. All eyes were on the game to see if either one would finally come to taste defeat. The Blade had a poor start to the game, with a catcher getting on the wrong side of the referee and taking a fist to his very pretty face, leaving the rest of the team scrambling to protect him instead of holding back as they might have planned. The Bonerattlers decided their best option was to kick the Blade as hard as they could, and after knocking the treeman down they ignored the rest of the team in favour of mobbing him until he finally broke. The elves took the lead, but they were down on numbers going into the second half.

In the second half the Bonerattlers opted to move quickly, scoring early in the hopes of getting another one before the end. With only seven elves remaining their chances looked reasonable, but you can never discount the Blade and they managed to hold onto the ball and take the lead once more. The undead had little time left to reply, but with some heroic manoeuvres they managed to pull off an equaliser to salvage their pride and leave both teams still unbeaten.

The Thunder take the top spot, therefore, with the only win of the round, and the Rubbers sit at the bottom. Next round sees the Blade facing the Debating Society in a rematch for the ages, the Blasts take on the Rubbers and the Thunder go up against the Bonerattlers.

Division 2 opened with a rematch between the Nevermore Ravens and the Renegade Masters. Since their last meeting, the Masters added a troll to their lineup for extra hitting power, while the Ravens worked to get better at controlling the urge to eat their own players. The first half was a violent affair with the teams trading casualties, but the thralls' fragility meant the Ravens saw the worst of it. At half time the game was tied with one touchdown apiece, but the vampires were understandably upset at many of their favourite snacks being unavailable for the second half and they refused to come out of the dressing room to resume the game.

Meanwhile, the newly-promoted Saratcens were taking on the Mandalorcians on an extremely soggy pitch. It wasn't only the mud making this a dirty match, as Gobbo Fett stuck to his tried-and-tested approach of kicking any opposition player on the ground and the rats responded in kind. Both sides were mostly sufficiently armoured to tolerate this behaviour, but one skaven blitzer took a set of spikes somewhere extremely sensitive and will likely be feeling the effects for a long time to come. The orcs sent a goblin over the line close to the whistle to claim the lead, but of course a gutter runner only needs a couple of minutes to run the other way and they did exactly that.

The rain gave way to brilliant sunshine for a rather more sedate second half, with the skaven playing keep-away with the ball while the orcs hurled goblins at them in the hope of causing trouble. The Mandalorcians proved unable to break through the defence and the Saratcens waited until the last possible moment to run in the winning touchdown.

The final game of the round saw the Hammer Horrors hosting Durakdur Queensguard, with the dwarves boosted by the services of Skrorg Snowpelt and Horatio X Schottenheim. The first half was characterised by the Queensguard's death roller churning up the pitch, but the Horrors proved remarkably resilient, and star werewolf Gromit managed to stop the score right on the line. The application of a sack of cash saw the death roller kept on the pitch for the second half, but it was Gromit to the rescue once more as he clawed through the steam pipes to put it out of action. But they couldn't capitalise on it as the dwarves showed an unexpected prowess at dodging and held the game to a goalless draw.

The Ravens were eventually persuaded to play the second half of their match with the promise of extra brooding time later, and the seven remaining players lined up to defend against ten Renegade Masters. The fans were restless after being kettled in the stands for three days and they swarmed onto the pitch at the first kick-off, leaving the Masters' ogre dazed on the line. Perhaps disheartened by this, the chaos team found themselves unable to bring the same violence they had managed in the first half, and though they reduced the Ravens to just five players as they moved the ball down the pitch none of the removals were permanent. It was enough to let the Masters take the lead, but pressure from the opposition forced them to score early enough that the Ravens still had a small window to come back. As they lined back up the referee took offense at a renegade lineman eyeballing him and punched him in the face, creating a gap for the Ravens to send their runner sprinting through with the ball. It was a risky ploy as the Masters attempted to charge her down, but she was just a little too fast for their ogre who stumbled over his own feet trying to reach her. The Ravens claimed a draw that must have felt like a victory to their fans.

The Saratcens take the top spot with the only win of the round, and the Mandalorcians are at the bottom with the only loss. The Renegade Masters claim the best of the rest with their superior violence. Next round sees them fighting the Saratcens for first place while the Hammer Horrors meet the Ravens in an undead face-off and the Mandalorcians hunt their first points against the Queensguard.

In Division 3 it was elf vs elf as the wood elves known as Slippery S.O.Bs took on the high elf Cordelian Dolphins. The pouring rain brought both sides' ball-handling skills down to the level of mere mortals, and the wood elves apparently decided to come out swinging. They cleared out several Dolphin linemen, leaving them out of action for the following round as well, before coming through with a touchdown. The same ref who took a disliking to the Blade catcher evidently has some issues to work through as he opted to send the Dolphin's catcher off for some minor infraction, leaving the team struggling for players. Their blitzer went some way towards evening up the numbers, but they were unable to even up the score and the S.O.Bs take the three points.

The optimistically named Erebor Giants dwarf team took on the lizards of the Forked Tongues in a seemingly uneventful match that saw two dwarves felled by sauruses, one permanently, but otherwise little of note. Fans care about blood and goals and both were in short supply here.

The other dwarf team in the division, the Blitzen Bozos, were up against the goblins of Goblopolis for their first match. It went much as might have been expected, with the dwarves smashing the goblins into a bloody pulp and walking the ball across the line with ease. Even the much vaunted goblin weaponry failed to have much effect, with a daring block from a troll slayer taking the fanatic off the pitch in a body bag. The final scoreline of 3-0 puts the Bozos in a very strong position going forward.

That puts the Bozos top, just above the Slippery S.O.Bs on goal difference. Those two face each other next round, while the Forked Tongues meet the Cordelian Dolphins and the remains of Goblopolis have to deal with more dwarves in the shape of the Erebor Giants.

Lastly, to Division 4, where only two games were played after the Acomb Ankle Biters took their pre-match feasting a little too seriously and overslept, missing their fixture against the Sokol Scorpions. Hopefully both teams will be ready to join the fray next round.

The skaven of Gnawthorn Vermin faced the undead team Romero's Regenerates, on a day that started pleasant enough but turned overly sunny towards the end. The game started strong, with the Regenerates' mummies laying waste to Vermin and forcing them to score fast just to have a moment to catch their breath. By midway through the first half the undead seemed to get their fill of blood and turned their attention to the ball instead, successfully equalising before the end of the half and taking advantage of their offence to take the lead in the second half. The skaven completely fell apart then and the Regenerates claimed a third touchdown for a decisive victory.

Finally, it was more undead action as the Tinseltown Terrors took on the dark elves of Vvardenfell Harpies. The elves hit hard, finding ways of hurting their opponents that couldn't be shaken off easily, but they couldn't stop the Terrors from taking the lead. In the second half the Harpies opted not to take too long equalising, no doubt hoping to have enough time to steal the ball and claim a second, but in fact it was the Terrors who managed to snag the win instead.

The top spots go to the two undead teams, therefore, with the Regenerates having the edge. They face the Sokol Scorpions next time, with the Terrors bringing more undead terror to the Vermin and the Harpies hosting the Ankle Biters.

Round Two runs until the 27th April and should start to separate the teams a little more. And remember, we'll have all your highlights right here before the blood has even finished drying!