Round 5

18 Aug 2025 - 31 Aug 2025

Season Ten is all wrapped up, so let's take a look at who got the shiny paper and ribbons, and who got dirty bandages as their wrapping, in the Round Five Roundup!

The Division 1 title had already been awarded, so perhaps the Felwithen Furies opted to take things a little easier in their match against the Saratcens. The rats by contrast had everything to play for, needing a win to escape the dreaded relegation zone. The first half was fairly sedate, with the elves opting for the slow game only to fumble the score at the last minute. The Saratcens were spurred into action in the second half, using dirty tactics that did not go unnoticed by the ref, and scored a late touchdown to win the game and grab safety.

Everything therefore hinged on the result of the match between the Nevermore Ravens and the Cordelian Dolphins. A win for either team would see them safe, while a draw would come down to who could hurt more of the other players. Things started well for the Ravens with a swift touchdown, but the Dolphins answered with similar speed. An attempt to retake the lead before half time by the Ravens not only fell short, but a failed pass gave the elves the chance to steal the ball and rush the other way before the whistle. The weather turned oppressively hot in the second half, and while the Dolphins quickly notched up a third touchdown the players on both sides started to suffer from the exertion. The Ravens took the losses hard, finding themselves short of snacks, and that gave the Dolphins the chance to steal a fourth. A valiant effort from the vampires set them up to claim a consolation goal, only to see their hopes dashed as an elf blitzer leapt gracefully to steal the pass out of the air. All was not lost, however, as the vamps managed to punch him in the face and reclaim the ball for a second touchdown.

So it's all change at the last minute as the Dolphins win sees them leap up the table to finish second. The Blitzen Bozos take third after their match against the absent Regenerates was resolved in their favour, and the Saratcens are safe in fourth. The top division has no love for the living dead, it seems, as the Ravens and the Regenerates are left to get relegated.

In Division 2, things started with a fight for one of the promotion spots between the Blåhaj Blasts and the Sokol Serpents. The Blasts, of course, have a reputation for violence that is unmatched in the league, and so it proved here. The Serpents are no slouches on that front, but they simply couldn't keep up with the power of the Blood God carving through their sauruses and squashing their skinks. A touchdown apiece saw the Blasts clinch the promotion spot while the Serpents were left licking their wounds and burying their dead.

The Forked Tongues then took on the Gnawthorn Vermin, with the lizards needing at least a point to hold the top spot. And a point is exactly what they got, despite the rats' best efforts. The Vermin scored twice to give the Tongues a hard time, but nevertheless the lizards managed to fight back and score two of their own to catch back up and grab the draw.

The final game of the division, between the Tinseltown Terrors and the Talabecland Thunder, failed to make it to the pitch. Both teams have been caught up in other commitments throughout this season and that continued right to the end. Their match was recorded as a draw.

The Forked Tongues take the title then, with the Blasts just behind them also due to go up to the top division next season. The Serpents have to settle for third, and the Gnawthorn Vermin are also safe from relegation with the bottom spots reserved for the Talabecland Thunder and the Tinseltown Terrors.

Division 3 started with a clash between top-of-the-table Norsey But Nice and the midrange Orc City. These greenskinz have proved adept at dishing out pain but struggled to marry that to scoring touchdowns, and so it proved here. City's troll laid into the Norse with abandon, killing one lineman and injuring another, while the sturdy orc armour protected them from reply, but it was the Norse who scored the only touchdown of the game to take the win.

The other top team in the division, the Anfield Anarchists, met everyone's favourite little guys (everyone except those who have to type the team name out in full every time, at least) the Knickerbocker Glory Slobberknockers. Playing on a swelteringly hot day, things looked bad for the Anarchists at first as the snots came out hard and removed the opposition ogre and one of their linemen almost before the first whistle had finished sounding. But after that the normal order reasserted itself as the Anarchists started flattening snotlings, the flingas took to bombing their own feet, the heat caused both trolls to pass out simultaneously and the crowd took every opportunity to throw the ball to the humans. The heat gave way to rain later, but too late to have any real effect on the outcome and the Anarchists won 3-0.

The Midnight Massives then took on Da Bushwakkaz, with the beleaguered orc team still reduced to drafting in fans, willingly or otherwise, to make up their numbers. An early injury suggested Da Bushwakkaz woes would only continue, but in fact they managed to rally enough for a blocker to remember how to punch and take a zombie's head clean off. A small ray of hope as the Massives won the game 2-0, but with no lasting injuries inflicted the orcs are almost back up to a full squad and perhaps will see better results next season.

The Green-Orange Golds arrived at the stadium for their match against the Burning Sensations only for their opponents to be nowhere in sight. A spokesorc later claimed the team had been 'real busy wiv work an dat' but the smell of the fumes emerging from the training ground suggests they were taking a more laid-back approach to scheduling.

So Norsey But Nice take the division title and the Anarchists can also claim automatic promotion to a higher division next season. Orc City get the prize for Best Orcs on the strength of their superior casualty rating, and it's the Burning Sensations and the Slobberknockers who'll be hoping for an easier time in a lower division.

Last up, Division 4 and the Gornagechu Suckers took to the field to face the Cold Blooded Cannoneers. A swift touchdown for the vampires was followed by an equally swift touchdown for the lizards, suggesting a fun game was on the cards, but things turned dark as the sauruses laid into the vamps, leaving a runner with a permanent limp and outright killing the blitzer with a claw through the heart. A second touchdown put the Cannoneers in the lead, and at the half time whistle the Suckers opted to cut their losses and retreat rather than play the rest of the match.

Another game in the sweltering heat as the Scunbag Gitz took on the Aloha Rippers with predictable results. The Rippers were already down on numbers, and their light armour proved no trouble for the Gitz to break through. Fortunately it was the line elves that took the worst of it, but despite the Gitz' dedication to having goblins sent off for bad behaviour they kept enough on the pitch to win the game 2-1.

The vagaries of climate change meant that while many teams were struggling in the heat, the mirror match between the Naggarond Blitzers and the Moriquendi Krakens took place in a howling blizzard. Slippery conditions and poor visibility would make things hard for most teams, but the Krakens showed why they are the top team in the division with a masterful performance. The two teams traded casualties, but the Blitzers got the worst of it with two deaths while the Krakens suffered nothing they won't get over during the season break. Two touchdowns from the Krakens sealed the win and left the Blitzers literally out in the cold.

The final game of the round, between Chainsaw Buffet and Block, Glock 'n' Roll, failed to come to fruition as the stadium was inexplicably full of horses. The mighty beasts stampeded round and round in circles, threatening to squash any goblin who got too close, and the game had to be abandoned as nobody could figure out how to get the animals to leave.

The Krakens hold the title with the Cannoneers just behind them. Bottom of the bottom are Chainsaw Buffet and Block, Glock 'n' Roll, two teams who will be hoping for better fortunes next season.

And that's Season Ten all done and dusted. Congratulations to the winners, commiserations to the losers, and an almighty shrug for those in the middle! Season Eleven will be kicking off soon, and we'll be here to round up all the action as soon as it's done!