☰

Round 5

03 Mar 2025 - 16 Mar 2025

Season Eight has officially finished, with triumph and tragedy in equal measure. Let's round up the last few games before we congratulate the winners and commiserate with the losers!

Division 1 kicked off with the wooden spoon match between the Dark Delvers and the Sokol Slaughterers. Both teams have struggled this season and were already doomed to relegation, so this was purely about salvaging a little dignity on the way down. The Slaughterers came out hard, catching an isolated witch elf with a very nasty block, and the effect on morale for both teams set the tone for the rest of the match. Chaos' finest went on the rampage, removing several more elves and adding insult to serious injury with three touchdowns that went entirely unanswered.

But of course, all eyes were on the top of the table clash between the Sanguine Blade and the Badlands Debating Society. The two teams were equal on points going into their clash, with neither side having lost a game all season. Tight scorelines throughout meant they were also tied on goal difference, with only the orcs' superior punching ability separating the two teams. It was clear this was going to be a hard fought match whatever the outcome.

To that end, the Debating Society spent money from their own treasury to hire Bomber Dribblesnot for one last game. The elves bought a keg of Bloodweiser's finest to assist with getting players back on the pitch, but they would have benefited more from buying more robust armour if that were an option. The orcs brought down the Blade's tree straight after the kick, and then kicked him hard in the rootstock to take him off the pitch. Such unsportsmanlike behaviour saw the offending orc sent off for the match, but it also forced the elves into using everything their apothecary had to offer to get the tree into a suitable state to rejoin the game for the next drive.

The elves slipped through any gap they could find in the orc line to threaten the ball, but it came at a cost. By the midpoint of the half both wardancers had been stretchered off, and they were soon followed by two catchers for good measure, one in a body bag. The Debating Society finally scored close to the whistle, but a poorly-aimed kick gave the Blade just what they needed to sprint down the pitch and equalise before half time.

The second half started more sedately with the elves on offence, but with their numbers already limited they couldn't afford to stall for long and though they took the lead they also left the Society plenty of time in which to answer. Two more elves then went down hard, leaving only six players on the pitch to try to stop the orcs, and though they put up a valiant defence they were ultimately unable to prevent the equaliser.

So the match ended 2-2, leaving both teams still undefeated in the season. The Debating Society take the title thanks to their casualty record, while the Blade have to settle for second place and the honour of being the only team to score against the orcs. The Delvers' loss leaves them firmly at the bottom with the Slaughterers just above, while the Grave Rubbers sit comfortably in the middle, only two points off the top.

In Division 2 there was only one match to be played with the Talabecland Thunder still out of action. That was another fight for the top spot, this time between Bushy's Bonerattlers and the Blåhaj Blasts. Once again both teams came into the game undefeated and looking to cement their reputation with one last win before joining the big teams in the top division.

The teams were evenly matched, and at first the game seemed like it would be as well with both sides trading casualties. The Blasts took the lead, but they left enough time for the Bonerattlers to respond before the end of the half.

In the second half the Blood God lent his followers his aid to take out several Bonerattlers in ways they couldn't just shake off. Despite that, the undead held firm on their offence and took the lead with a second touchdown. The Blasts refused to be counted out and came within inches of equalising, but crossing the line was just a little too much of a stretch and they fell short at the last moment.

So the Bonerattlers take the top spot and the unbeaten record, but the Blasts still hold the other promotion spot and will be spreading the Blood News in the top division next season. The Hammer Horrors and the Kroppenbruck Crusaders are in line to move back down, while the Talabecland Thunder take advantage of never playing meaning they never technically lost.

Division 3 started with a bottom-place scrap between Durakdur Queensguard and the Renegade Masters. The dwarves were bolstered by the assistance of Thorsson Stoutmead, and hampered by a referee who took one look at the deathroller rumbling towards the pitch and refused to let it come on. They rallied well from that initial setback, killing an opposition orc, but the Masters' ogre responded by taking out one of the Queensguard's blitzers before the chaos team took the lead. Clearly upset, a dwarf lineman made a clumsy attempt to hurt a downed player and was sent off, with the referee clearly unwilling to entertain any nonsense.

In the second half the dwarves managed a swift equaliser, hoping that a sturdy defence would let them steal the ball for a second, but it was not to be. The Renegade Masters held their nerve and pushed through to score, claiming their first victory of the season at last.

At the other end of the table, the top-placed Mandalorcians faced the Acomb Transfusions. The orcs had already guaranteed themselves the division title but had an unbeaten record to defend, while Khorne's second-finest had an opportunity to steal the second promotion spot from the Nevermore Ravens with a win.

The black orcs had clearly been talking to the Badlands Debating Society as they opted to bring Bomber Dribblesnot along for the ride, but he failed to have any impact before taking himself out of the game. The Transfusions followed that up by removing the Mandalorcians' primary fouler, and the orcs were down two more players before the Transfusions took the lead. A well-flung goblin evened the score, but the orcs were fighting an uphill battle as gobbo after gobbo was removed from the pitch with surgical precision and there was nothing they could do to stop the Transfusions from scoring again.

That victory means the Transfusions steal second place from the Ravens on casualties alone. The vampires will be disappointed to miss out on promotion back to Division 2 but with such a tight contest the fans will surely be pleased with their performance nevertheless. The Queensguard and the Renegade Masters both face relegation, with the chaos team taking the higher position thanks to their head-to-head victory.

And so to Division 4, where only one match was played after the Iron Price Raiders failed to return from last round's drunken bender. Their absence grants the Nuln Oilers three points and lifts them off the bottom, putting the Raiders firmly in the bottom spot.

But there was a game between the Toofy Leapers and the Saratcens, though this report is given with the heaviest of hearts. The brave squig team lined up against the top-placed skaven, and took the lead with an early touchdown despite losing a lineman to a hard block from a blitzer. They then evened up the numbers, taking out a linerat on their defence.

And then... We can hardly bring ourselves to write the words, but it must be recorded. Grak, brave Grak, captain of the Leapers and renowned veteran of countless other teams, met the fist of a blitzer and was knocked clean off his squig mount. We can hardly blame his squig for what happened next, as it was only following instinct, but evidently it mistook the falling Grak for a thrown snack and those terrible jaws snapped closed around the noble goblin. The Saratcens showed no remorse for their actions, and scored an equaliser before Grak's blood even had time to dry on the astrogranite.

To their credit, the rest of the Leapers kept it together and fought bravely for the rest of the game. The skaven scored a second touchdown early in the second half, no doubt looking to showboat, but the Leapers pushed back with a swift equaliser. The Saratcens took out a couple more players but they couldn't manage another score, leaving the game a tie.

The promotion spots belong to the two skaven teams, therefore, with the Saratcens sitting above the Boomtown Rats. The Toofy Leapers finish in third, with the last pieces of their brave captain ceremonially fed to his squig before the team went their separate ways, causing chaos in the name of their captain. Raise a glass to Grak's memory, and toast him as he leads a team of champions in Nuffle's golden stadium.

Congratulations to the Badlands Debating Society, therefore, who get two whole weeks to celebrate their victory before the next season starts and none of these results matter any more. We'll see you back here for Season Nine!