Round 5

26 May 2025 - 08 Jun 2025

Season 9 has come to an end. The trophies have been handed out, the orange slices have all been eaten and the confetti is being swept up as we speak. That's right, all that's left is the Round Five Roundup!

Division 1 kicked off with the championship match, a battle between the wood elves of Sanguine Blade and the horrors of Grave Rubbers for the trophy. Both teams were a little underpowered after losing skilled players in the previous round, but before the game the smart money would perhaps have been on the Blade, whose agility and unbeaten record would seem to give them the edge.

It's one thing to have the advantage on paper, but quite another on the astrogranite. The Grave Rubbers gave no quarter, knocking elves senseless at every opportunity, and though they were slowed by a valiant defence they took the lead just before half time. Things got worse for the Blade after the break as the war of attrition intensified, and though they held off scoring for as long as possible in hopes that a draw would be enough they were eventually forced to make the touchdown with time still on the clock. There wasn't long for the Rubbers to answer, but there weren't many elves left to hold them back either and they got a wolf over the line in the dying seconds to claim both the championship trophy and the Sanguine Blade scalp.

Elsewhere in the division, Bushy's Bonerattlers took on the Badlands Debating Society in what turned out to be a rather sedate match. With the title out of reach and no threat of relegation, both teams seemed to content to forgo their normal violence in favour of gentle nudges and slowly walking the ball down the pitch for a 1-1 draw with barely any blood spilled.

No such concerns in the bottom place fight, where the Blåhaj Blasts made one final offering to their Blood God and sacrificed almost the whole Talabecland Thunder team in His name. The hills were alive with the sound of bones snapping as player after player fell, some to violent blocks, others tackled hard as they tried to escape. By the end of the match the Thunder had just two players still on the pitch, with the 2-0 scoreline the final insult in a game filled with them.

So congratulations to the Grave Rubbers for their victory, and the heartiest of commiserations to the Thunder for such a harsh end to a season that started with so much promise. Lest we forget, the Thunder stand as the only team in the division to have beaten the new champions, something they can surely still be proud of as they nurse their injuries.

The title for Division 2 was already wrapped up, but the rest of the table was still being tightly fought over. The round started with the bottom of the table clash between the Renegade Masters and Durakdur Queensguard. The dwarves were underpowered with their death roller still being pieced back together after getting carved up in the last round, but they brought Skrorg Snowpelt along to make up some of the difference. Skrorg got stuck in by removing the Masters' ogre, but in fact it was the Renegade Masters themselves that seemed most dedicated to removing their own players from the game. A parade of unfortunate injuries left things clear for the Queensguard to claim two touchdowns and the game.

The Nevermore Ravens then hosted the division champions, the Saratcens, for what turned out to be an extremely showy match. The vampires took the offence to start, racing to an early lead, but the skaven speed scored them two swift touchdowns in response. With the first half not even quite over, the vampires made an attempt to equalise with a carefully planned sequence of shoving to get their runner in reach of the endzone, but they couldn't quite get the ball to her to allow the score. In the second half, the rats picked up a speedy third but the vampires grabbed an equally speedy second in response to keep themselves in the game. The Ravens were losing players, however, and were unable to hurt their opponents in exchange. Though they came close to equalising they couldn't quite manage it, and the rats took advantage to showboat their way to a fourth touchdown for the win.

Last up, the Hammer Horrors took on the Mandalorcians with the second place spot still in reach for either team. The orcs played in their typically dirty style, with their sneakiest goblin running around kicking Horrors where it hurt, while a well-placed arm in the path of a dodging ghoul took Hartigan out of the match early on. The Horrors refused to be counted out, however, and though the Mandalorcians took the lead in the first half the Horrors managed to pull it back to a draw before the end of the game.

The Saratcens are the clear winners of the division, then, and the Mandalorcians hold second with two points over the Ravens and the Horrors. The Renegade Masters hold the bottom spot, with their best efforts never quite finding fruition against very strong competition.

Division 3 had also already been decided, and the confirmed champions the Blitzen Bozos opened the round with a dwarf face-off against the Erebor Giants. The game was really a showcase of the Bozos' dominance this season, as they carved their way through the opposition like the Giants' armour was made of paper. The Giants failed to make an impression on the game at all, and the Bozos scored twice to seal the victory.

The Cordelian Dolphins then visited Goblopolis. The goblins came loaded with secret weapons, of course, but an early touchdown from the elves saw them all shown the door before they could cause any trouble. It was 3-0 to the Dolphins almost before the goblins had turned round, and although they pulled one back thanks to a soaring flight across the pitch the elves put a fourth past them to remove any question of the winner.

And lastly for the division, the Slippery SOBs took on the Forked Tongues in an extremely bloody match. There was carnage on both sides, with the SOBs tree laying into sauruses while the sauruses snapped elves in return before cutting the tree down to size. And while everyone was focused on the violence, the rest of the SOBs dodged the blood splatters and ran in touchdown after touchdown, racking up an extraordinary 5-1 victory.

The Bozos and the SOBs take the top spots, miles ahead of the competition, while the Forked Tongues sit at the bottom patching up their scales, with the Giants only just above them.

And so finally to Division 4, where only one match made it to the pitch. The Acomb Ankle Biters were due to play the Tinseltown Terrors, but the team appear to have been called away on an unexpected journey. A rather garbled message was received about dwarves and spiders and dragons, but nothing more was forthcoming.

Likewise, the Vvardenfell Harpies were due to play Romero's Regenerates in the title clash, but at the last minute the undead team was called away by an urgent summons for a dark ritual that no one else could cover. The walking dead have found themselves short on numbers in recent years due to improvements in hygiene education, but the moon must be answered regardless and so the Regenerates were forced to cancel their game. Both matches were resolved as draws, meaning the Regenerates hold the title spot by two points over the Harpies.

But all was not lost for sports fans in the lowest division, as the Gnawthorn Vermin and the Sokol Scorpions made it to the astrogranite for their game. The Scorpions had a difficult start, with one skeleton evicted early for not bothering to hide his unsportsmanlike behaviour from the ref and another chasing his skull after the rat ogre knocked it clean into the stands for the fans to play with. Despite that, they managed to claim the ball from the rats and take the lead, forcing the Vermin to scramble for a swift equaliser before half time. The Scorpions took the lead again in the second half, but not slowly enough to stop the rats from racing down the pitch once more, closing the match at 2-2.

Three draws leaves the table essentially unchanged this round. The Regenerates and the Harpies hold the promotion spots, and with just one point separating third place from sixth the other teams can reflect on what they've learned this season and hopefully come back all the stronger next time.

And with that, Season 9 is over! Season 10 will be kicking off soon and we'll be here to bring you the highlights as soon as the dust settles. Stay tuned here for more hand-crafted match reports, lovingly made from all-natural ingredients without a hint of anything artificial, intelligent or otherwise!